Fragments of Panic

Backyard home invasions and PB & J on sandwich slims. - woke into a panic attack.

Additional invasion dreams with panic wakes

The prospect of being on a sinking ship in the middle of the vast ocean and no land in sight.. a roll of chains that operated the ship had become tangled, red hot and broke down - causing the ship to tilt to the side in preparation for a full roll over.

Embedded Guilt

I was in some room in some place I don't recognize - I had been eating sunflower seeds and lost track of one of them.  Later it was extracted out of under my skin.

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I had been hanging out with Mr 11 and his wife... there was obvious discord between the 2 and even with myself included - and then suddenly after a couple days things got really good between all 3 of us.. it was then I felt I had to confess... We were sitting down at dinner and I started... but then realized Mr. 11 was missing... I asked where's <insert omitted name here>? - then the scene flashed to a map of the region and the words "commit suicide" flashed - which indicated he was going to attempt to take his own life out of guilt on one of the bridges - one of the more than 3 dozen bridge locations in this region...  He was on the phone with us while we searched - I felt frantic and guilty.  No death and no find... I just woke up.

Embers of Dreams within Dreams

I dreamt in a dream that my dreams were coming true.  These were not good dreams mind you.  Reminded of the resurfacing dream... and others... my house was a blend of my current house and my childhood home.  Outside my house today, inside my childhood house.  In this dream I had dreamt of the house fire.. and previously about collapsing walls.  I had been in the backyard bird watching when I saw the flames from the back bedroom.. which would currently be my master bedroom.. but inside it was my sisters bedroom from the past, but in the dream it was my bedroom this go.

I grabbed the water hose and sprayed down that side of the house until I no longer saw flames.  When I went back into the house no one believed me.  I went to my bedroom and through a crack in the corner I still saw smouldering red embers... I called out for someone to come look to prove what I was seeing was real - When I touched the wall it completely collapsed into the other room like it was cardboard or styrofoam.  Thus making the previous dream I really did have about walls collapsing true.

That's all I can remember - there were many more elements to the dream but they've been lost between wake and write.

Confident Knee-High Couch Talks

Mr 11 was visiting me at my childhood home... we were sitting on a couch that was against the west back wall - each of us bundled in a throw blanket as we talked... the blue hue from the TV that played quietly across the room.  It was an emotional conversation but I was mildly annoyed.. it was everything I had heard before over and over.  I had to leave to pick up Trent from the airport I was already running 10 mins late.. Dad was there at one point... I remember waiting for him to make a comment when Mr 11 got up to walk into the kitchen for something about how tall he is and what is it with you girls and tall guys (Mr 11 is 4" taller than my dad and my sisters husband is 7') but Dad stayed quiet and went to bed.  I set up Mr 11 on the other couch on the East wall ... I figured he would stretch his body out on it but he rolled himself in a ball on one cushion.. all bundled up.. I asked if he wanted to be reclined and I pulled the little lever to recline him and he was startled with how far back it reclined.   When I left the house, my middle sister and her daughter came out and were being noisy in the kitchen.. I went back in and asked for some common courtesy considering we had a guest who was trying to sleep in the living room.  I looked at the time and worried that I was too late to get Trent and he would have found some way else home by now.  There was a mix of sadness in my annoyance.. sad that this was probably the end of something.

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Walking through a mall store that was being remodeled - a kink store that catered to situational type fantasy setups.  I wasn't there for myself, only curious and seems as though I knew someone involved in the renovation.  I was standing a counter while a male customer was paying for services.  I had spotted some knee high boots that I liked... they had heels and that is unlike me but I really liked them.. tried them on and it was a perfect fit.. they make me feel confident in a way I had never felt before.

Moving Separation Anxiety Two(Too)Bill's

My friend Bill had picked up a couple projects that required he travel to LA - he was happy about that because he was hoping to move there and it would give him a chance to scope living arrangements.  He had packed up a camper van and headed on his way.  There was a strange feeling of separation anxiety - things were going to change - people who were close were now going to be apart from me.  I had similarly reached out to a real estate agent to help me look for places to live since I no longer wanted to live here.. though I wasn't in a position or prepared to move so the action felt premature.   I think I saw my uncle Bill at one point in this dream - though it could have been another - though they felt connected.

Seattle Solicitations

Was trying to plan my trip to Seattle... couldn't decide on how many days I wanted to spend there... it was winter and would undoubtedly be cold... really cold for having been acclimated to the desert weather for going on 8 years now.

I recall driving an Audi taking a freeway exit and the roads were dark, wet with rain.

The PM for a project I am working was caught soliciting dick pics from some model guy through an e-mail chain at work.

Seattle Suicide Cracks Break Back In

I was in Seattle for some reason and discovered Ian was still alive... he had faked his suicide.  But he was not in a good place - he was still very much of the same mindset that would have lead someone to take their own life.  It was natural for me to want to help him, save him, try to make things better.  But even in my dream I kept questioning the obligated feeling and my actions.  I should have been angry, but it wasn't in me and I have high doubt I'll ever feel angry about it in waking life.  But I did think a lot in dream about the implications of my actions.  I still felt so unsure I was doing the right thing considering I knew I didn't want to be in a relationship with him and I didn't want to cause him any more pain.

I pretty much insisted he come with me - I got a peek into his living space and he was sleeping on top of a kitchen table with some random mismatched cushions on top that was a makeshift bed.  He was to meet us (who I was with I don't recall) back at the hotel room - and then I'd take him home to AZ with me.
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Walked into my master bedroom and saw 3 very significant cracks down the back wall close together and looked related - the wall was also bubbled out in one huge bubble when I pushed it water gushed out the bottom near the baseboard and I felt the whole wall want to give way.

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Some co-workers and my sister were at my house - and we were talking to my neighbor though my kitchen window explaining how we can break into houses to do our work when necessary.  It was kind of a joke as we only broke into our own houses (why I don't know) - but we all had a laugh when we watched the neighbor walk through the house and close and lock his backroom window.  

Jen was looking to rent some large black newer model Dodge Ram truck and she wanted my keys to get something out of my car and for some reason I was really insistent that she not drive my car to get said truck and I remember either her or I walking towards the front door in jeans that were way too long - and was focused on them bunched up under/around the feet sweeping the floor during the walk to the car.