Work & The Big Bad C

I returned early from a personal vacation to ensure I'd not be late for work.  Upon returning to work they were still trying to figure out who the new member would be to take the spot of the one leaving.  My youngest sister worked with me too, on the same team... they had considered her to step into the role because she is NEVER late and always on-time and never misses work.  But today, her flight back was delayed and thus for the first time ever she was late... so they used that to discount her.  This enraged me.

Then they mentioned bringing a project manager with whom I've had the most displeasure of working with...and I voiced it.  Of course they were turned off by my statement of I'd have to leave if she was going to be the one appointed.. but anyone in their right mind would have had the same reaction based on reputation and the experience I've had.  Another co-worker came in and sat in on the meeting and said something along the lines of .. she has cancer... you would know this if you took and analyzed her blood.  I responded that I don't know how to take blood (blood-work has ZERO to do with my job in waking life) and I instantly felt bad... really bad. 

I left that meeting room and went to find this lady.. when I found her I said nothing and just hugged her and started crying.


Afterthought: it's nice to know that somewhere in me,  I still have the ability to genuinely care about people even if I don't necessarily like them... I had started to worry that I was too far gone.

2 Pint Nerves

I was in a car with 2 guys that were telling me where to drive... it felt suspect and so when I found an opportunity to make a U-turn I did and said whatever I had ordered at some place must be ready by now... they did not contest.

We stopped at a gas station mart where I purchased 2 pint glasses of beer.. they were glass pint glasses with some plastic lid... which I tore one off and chugged half of the glass to ease my nerves and then considering refilling to top it off while these two guys tried to quietly figure out if they had enough money to even purchase 1.

I wanted to lose them.  I didn't feel safe.

Captive Defiance, Defense and Escape

I was being held captive... and felt desperate to escape.  I remember being in a hotel room and seeing 2 people I knew and knocking on the window for them to come save me... but 1 of the 2 was one of the bad guys in disguise and they came into the room and roughed me up for the attempted escape.

Eventually I did somehow escape but felt as though I was on the run constantly.  3 beers at the top of a cooler in a convenience store was just 3 bad guys that could morph into objects in an attempt to find a moment to capture me again.  I saw the objects transform into their faces and I scurried by.... I felt as though I would never escape

woke up all feverish and sweaty.. been a long time since I've had such a dream.
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I was feeling quite defiant at a work function... we were sitting under a tent while new management was going to make a speech.. though they were afraid about what I might say so the kept a close eye on me.  I felt very defensive when someone had said I shouldn't have included financials in my project plan... I was certain I hadn't included any specifics only a general statement to support my business plan which is completely acceptable... I was flipping through my notes in a small spiral bound notebook.  Jonathan was there.. he had brought me a shaved ice snow cone to cool me down... when I found my note I wanted to shove it in their faces.  I can't remember a time ever feeling so defensive.  Too many changes going on now and it's hard for me to process and I'm partially afraid of what this change can bring.

Ian & The Russian Renegades

Dreamt that Ian and I got back together.. Being here and having spoke of him over dinner last night must have triggered it.  Again in dream, I was not aware of the suicide... Still hard to swallow waking up to reality... In dream we were shopping in some home improvement type store.  I got annoyed with him over something.

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The story flip-flopped between 1st person and 3rd person... a small Russian family .. Young mom, dad and infant... In 1st person I was the mom... In 3rd person it was someone else that was supposed to be playing me as if it were film based on true events.  They turned into renegades just barely escaping Canadian authorities for some crime that resulted in a high speed chase.  How this family outrun the troopers in their little maroon station wagon is a mystery.  But then the mom wanted to go back into Canada cause the grocery found there wasn't found elsewhere.  The dad protested but they still went ... This part of the dream felt tense... Had to be on high guard and constant watch.  I remember a scene in the grocery store..their purpose for crossing the border again.. And a scene in the hotel room... The door to the room open with clear view of the street... The corner of their maroon car visible as the watched for a patrol car to spot the vehicle likely on some watch list.  The mom was singing to the baby and the dad told her she was singing too loud.

Late Caged Chat Taps and Rain

It was raining and I was at a stoplight on a slight incline... I inched forward to see if I could go... the car behind me did as well... but my car had that slight back roll of a manual transmission so when it came to rest it tapped the person behind me.   The light turned green and I started to go... I kept looking in the rear view mirror for a reaction from the person behind me.. normally I would stop... but it was just a small tap - I kept going but later called my insurance to inform them just in case something came about.  I was in a white room and someone was in a silver cage that was only 3 feet by 3 feet by 3 feet.

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I was late for class and on the way in Marco and I chatted about the annoying apps we keep or have gotten rid of on our phone.  He went one way and I went another... my seat was in front of the class with 1 other person... the instructor didn't stop to address my tardiness.. instead just kept going while my seating neighbor gave me a look of "where have you been????"

Africa Advances

I dreamt I took a work assignment in Africa... it felt far away and removed from everyone... and it was in a desolate area... I didn't really have neighbors.

I was living in a long 1 story house that had a security system that included an outside video surveillance system which I could look around the whole outside of the house using a joystick.  Someone had abandoned a car on the east side of the property... There was an intercom and although I don't remember voicing it... it was my voice that said.. "please move your car"

Hans came to visit twice... first by himself and 2nd he brought a new friend that was doing covers of some 70's or early 80's artist I liked... I remember a show put on in my living room where this guy playing guitar and a keyboard while singing and I sang along.  I tried to kiss Hans twice but I could tell he was uncomfortable by my advances and now I felt embarrassed.

White chocolate chips and marshmallows on a quick spin in the microwave.. abandoned after the first taste.

There was tall grass in the backyard and a 2 story cat tower sat in the middle as I was trying to befriend a cat to stay with me.

Road Trip Leftovers

We (I say we because I wasn't alone, but I can't recall the other parties that I was with) had taken a road-trip to NY for something... it's was almost like we were there to clean out the old Oroville house cause someone had passed... but that's on the opposite side of the country...  the roads in NY were confusing... lanes were labelled with letters... A and B went 1 direction and C the opposite and the lanes were all together and very narrow... I was driving in the C lane when I saw traffic coming in A and B and it made me question myself if I had figured it out correctly  and I swerved into the shoulder that was covered in dark green ivy leaves.

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A different road-trip.. this time to a cabin up in a remote part of somewhere... Ian flip flopped with my friend Pat... in parts of the dream it was Ian and others it was Pat (side note: why don't we realize it's not real when this happens in dream and we are aware of the flip flop?)  Seems like there was a 3rd party there... but I can't for the life of me remember who it was... but all of the pets were with us.

On the drive home I was sitting in the back of a jeep facing the rear... as we drove down the highway the sky was flickering like some jacked up LSD trip.  I remember taking a turn on a road and I stopped Pat at this point and told him I thought we were going the wrong way.... but it only turned out to be that I was turned around by the flickering sky.  When we got home me and Ian now came inside... no place I ever lived before but I apparently lived with Ian here... I was in the bathroom when realized we didn't bring George home... instant devastation and I started crying... Ian came to comfort me... he hugged me as we stood in front of the bathroom counter and mirror and I saw in the mirror he was smiling as he hugged me... I was confused by this... he pulled away and exclaimed "I don't give a fuck" then I rushed to gather things so I could drive back to get George w/o Ian's help.

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Other random frags from the up and downs

Burning a candle in a glass globe that sat on a pedestal in the living room.. I had to keep moving it and running in from the kitchen to snatch up my nephew from trying to reach it...
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My Mom, Linda, and some other girls that were either friends of mine or my sisters were all wearing the same dress for some event... then there was video of them trying on different dresses and dancing or twirling across the scene... they were just simply enjoying themselves and having a good time.

Morbid Missle Movie Fragments

while waiting in line at a grocery checkout just outside of a NASA bunker... I passed out and woke up 15 feet from where I was standing... they had stalled the line and I heard one of the guards talking about missile threats from Russia and at first they dismissed but checked their radar again and then scrambled to turn on a warning system.

I looked into the sky and saw normal crafts flying (you know.. airplanes and helicopters).. waiting to see a missile and wondered if it would hurt if it hit... if for that split second I would feel the pain of my arms, legs, and head being ripped from my body via an explosion.  how fucking morbid.

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movies playing in airplane seats

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reuniting family members that had been abducted

Refried Lies with a Hint of Blue

We were gathered across the street on the north-side, from Loves... I was a member of some escort group now (uhh what?)... I had blue hair and him and his wife drove through and stopped in at the gas station.  Some members of this group started to harass them by throwing big plastic kids toys at the road in front of where they were driving... Silly playskool fake kitchen counters and ride-on trikes ... I tried to hide... I didn't want him to see me, nor did I want him to think I had anything to do with what was going on cause I didn't... I hadn't even noticed him until the group started in on this activity.

Flash to night time.. in some brothel type hotel... I'm in a dining type room with a handful of other people... and I hear a commotion outside and he starts yelling at someone just outside the door that they need to pick up their toys.. he walked in and sat down right in front of me where a plate of refried beans and chicken wings was waiting for him.  Talk about awkward... I didn't even know what to say... I was frozen.  I just watched him eat... and he talked, though I can't remember what was said... I wanted him to want to be there... but he was a hard read...  At one point he got up suddenly and rushed out the door... his room happened to be the one next to this one and I heard him open the door and make an excuse to his wife that he'd be back... he left their door open and returned to his half finished plate.... I'm disgusted to admit his return gave me some hope like a little girl who still believes in Santa Claus.

I didn't speak the whole time I just watched with what felt like big doe eyes full of want and hurt and mortification... wanting answers...wanting truth... wanting all that was a lie to have not been a lie.

fuck.me.

Standing up & Stealing from the Dead

Just some fragments....

Living in some other neighborhood I did something for the neighbor and then stole some red velvet cupcake ice cream from their garage refrigerator (WTF I don't steal!)... later I think they figured it out.

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Sister had a new boyfriend and they were visiting at my house.. which wasn't the house I live in right now.. it was some other house... and he got a phone call from a new job prospect and then set up some appointment to have the wiring in my house looked at... I felt very skeptical and uneasy about this.. general thought was it had to do with surveillance and there was something off about it all... so, as much as I hated giving the "this is my house you have to get my permission to go and do shit to it" speech .. I gave it.. I think he could sense my lack of confidence and figured he could bowl me over.

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The sun was setting and Jen's husband James was alive and here with her... there were vines hanging from the balcony above the sliding door and we both rushed out to take pictures of the sunset through the vines.. I remember taking a video.. from the based of the vines downwards to the tips of the hanging vines and I was in love with how the focus shifted as the camera slowly fell through.

Fragments in Canada

Went to Canada to work with underprivileged kids.. I remember driving them from the country into the city for some event... 
 
I had a piercing in my thigh that got ripped out.

Frozen Captives and Battles of Reason

was out with 2 people from work, one of them was my boss - we were sitting outside of a shopping mall and it was snowing... I was sitting in the snow carving messages in it with my fingernail and taking a picture with my phone.... there was a red bra frozen on the sidewalk just outside the entrance to the mall.  My boss said she was going to go in and buy pillows and said she needed help cause she was going to buy so many.

I was standing in a long line behind others.. and noticed that the person I was standing their for was now gone...so after a short convo with a couple of ladies that were standing behind me I left.

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I was at lunch with Jonathan at AJ's... and I felt I had to tell him how I felt uncomfortable with knowing he had locked away family members that were not in support of his marriage to his partner Danny and that morally I felt I had to tell someone that could rescue or free them...it flashed to me being in a house that was supposed to be his but it was different than what I know... I lifted a rug that covered a hatch door for access into a cellar...  he laughed and asked if I thought they were just kept in some dungeon and thrown only scraps of food and minimal water? - to which I replied.. "well.. yeah!"... he tried to tell me that he had them kept in a fancy apartment and they were well taken care of... then he lifted the hatch and showed me inside the cellar..which didn't contain any proof of anyone living down there or being captive.  I was still skeptical.

While him and Danny were away there was a knock on the front door... this time it was actually their house how I know it... it was a mom and a daughter selling girl scout cookies... but they said they couldn't sell to people who had certain types of flooring in their house... and one of the ones was Jonathan's... so I tried to ask why cause it was just ridiculous.. and as they started to explain.. I saw Jonathan and Danny drive up... and was happy they could join in on this battle of reasoning.