Struggling to Find My Way Home

I had a dream I got lost walking home from HS - the walk, which isn't long - became much longer than it should have been... at one point it became very difficult to walk.. my legs didn't want to move as if they were cemented to the ground.  I took a turn at one street and expected it to intersect with a familiar street I knew would get me home.. but instead I ended up in the middle of a 5 lane freeway.  Confused I picked a lane and looked behind me as oncoming traffic approached.

I jumped on the back of what I thought was a pickup truck but later it turned out to be just a car... I was holding on, exhausted, to their trunk trying to get closer to home.. they tried multiple times to get me off the car but I wasn't budging.  

I ended up having to stay the night at their place - it was another long journey before we would be home.

How did I get so lost?
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there was so much more to this dream, more detail, events - and I think there was multiple dreams... but I'm sick and those details escape me. :[

Stephan/Steven - Potato/Potaughto

I became fast friends with the lead singer of Opeth prior to their tour with Porcupine Tree.  He hadn't let fame go to his head and I'm not a fan girl - so it was just like a run of the mill mundane everyday life friendship.  Chit chatting in a cafe over a lite meal - in dream his name was Stephan - I just looked it up and that's not actually his name (told you I'm no fan girl) - I must have confused it with Steven Wilson and respelled it in my head cause I couldn't imagine a Swede spelling the way Mr Wilson does.  How silly of me.

Upset Indie

I sat in a restaurant at a table just behind my parents.  I remember thinking... what is the purpose of me sitting at a separate table? There was a single glass of water in front of me that was covered in condensation.  Dad motioned for me to go join them... there was a comfy chair next to their table and as I walked over to sit in it he asked what I thought about leaving.  I thought he was referring to my current severance of a friend - and I explained I had to do it and that I had talked to her about it prior and she knew I might have to considering the circumstances.  He stopped me and said.... no... about him leaving (again) and asked if I would be upset.  Tears started to well up in my eyes as I was struggling to hold back the onslaught of weeping.  Of course it'll upset me (devastate me again) I said as the tears started to run down my face.  I looked over and saw my Mom's head on his chest as he played with her hair - I can't recall a time in my life that I've ever seen them like that.

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I went to return 4 movies that were all about gas masks... I remember on the back of each one of them there as a statement that read "THIS IS NOT AN INDIE MOVIE" - I chuckled to myself.. but then realized that meant they were only 1 day rentals (apparently you can keep indie movies longer) - so I was overdue returning them.

Zentai Threads

I was with Maynard and he was taking me to show me a new studio space.. felt like it was out in the middle of nowhere.... a big factory looking building.

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I got hired on at a zentai suit making factory - it was the same factory as in my prior dream, but now it was filled with workers making and testing zentai suits... I remember the view right before I walked into the management offices of looking down a corridor and seeing a handful of the crafts people trying on lycra hoods and testing new designs.

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I was at work, really just like any other day, and he messaged me through our work chat... it was work related so I went with it - then a little of side chit chat was added in... I told him about my zentai dream from above - and then I prematurely ended the convo by just simply saying "later" - I didn't want to get wrapped up with him again.  I sat there for a moment wondering where I was going to go for lunch... I looked at my feet annoyed that my pants were too short... I got up and noticed I had brought in one of my favorite blankets so I didn't have to always have a sweater on anymore... he msg'd me some long sentence after the "later"...but I just locked my computer and walked away.

Masturbation in the Fog

I was masturbating in the back of a car in downtown LA.

Interrupted by my mom who stopped by to inform she was taking a trip to Oroville to see her sister and taking my 2 younger sisters with her - I was upset at not being included.

She left and I continued masturbating.

Later at home, my old childhood home, I worried about Mom making it back safely.  The fog had grown thick and I knew she had to take a boat from the main road in Oroville to get to the house up there - so for her to have to make that trek back and then drive the 4 or so hours in this fog back home made me worry.

Then I woke up.

Coldplay Trust Seeps In

His oldest daughter was doing a piano recital... it was her rendition of a Coldplay song - she was beautiful and her performance was equally gorgeous.

The 'other girl' wanted to show me pictures/videos to prove that he's just not who we thought he was...she was determined to show me what a fool he was....she was sitting in a chair at the computer and I hugged her from behind... I had this feeling of her being in the same place I was... or experiencing the same feelings as me... all this time I have doubted that... and I think in waking life I still do.

I just can't trust - and I hate that he seeped into my dreams again after this much time.  Perhaps it's my way of dealing with the extra steps I've taken to keep him as far removed from me as possible... I have felt great relief since severing related connections - it's one more step in the finality of something that tribally I didn't want to let go of, but on a higher level, know that I must.

Could be worse I guess... I could be dreaming about rescuing Ian from his suicide again.  Part of me wishes I was though... just to see him again.