I don't even want to share this dream, but I know I dreamt it for the purpose of dealing with the emotional damage that I've been neglecting to face...semi by choice, semi by force of having to mask it while in the company of others.
In dream he targeted both of my sisters at the same time... This actually triggered the emotional anger response that I have been lacking for myself. I grabbed the phone from my youngest and exclaimed at him "what the fuck do you think you are doing?!!" - I threatened to out him if he ever contacted either of my sisters again. He was cold and unsympathetic, zero care.... I remember saying something along the lines of ... If I have to be nasty I will... it's a behavior so so SO out of my nature, but when it comes to protecting my family there is no end. I don't want my sisters to know this type of hurt.
Jenn was upset...she didn't want to let go, fuck if I didn't know that feeling... but then I thought to myself.. what about your boyfriend?, and to my other sister... what about your husband? A similar question I thought about the other party involved...
I really don't get people... really, I don't....why would anyone do this?
The reality of it all slit the throat of my remaining self-worth... choking and bleeding with my hands gripped tightly around my neck in an effort to survive. I'm just barely keeping my head above water lately.
Clearly I'm still emotionally overwhelmed by the whole ordeal.... Everyone was in the wrong here...especially me... I just want it to stop... but the reality of it all is there is still a part of me that wants it all back... the way I thought it was... that, I think, is what upsets me the most at this stage.... I deserve better than that...but the part that knows it, is too frail to convince the rest of me just yet.
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