We were at a meeting in a park about work... about conversions...In the park we sat on top of a bench that sat in the half way into a local body of water. The girl of the boy/girl team was replaced by my best friend from HS. She said she had to leave the conversion early and fly home cause her mom was being admitted into the hospital for alcoholism.... I felt so bad, so helpless... there was nothing I could do to make that situation better.
It was warm, but fall cause all the leaves on the trees had turned. I watched her walk across the rock yard and walk down into a subway to depart for home.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Need to Masturbate
I dreamt that I was masturbating. Even in the presence of family I couldn't stop myself... I had to get off. I was wearing pink underwear and using a pink vibrating bullet.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Overwhelming Bleeding Target
I don't even want to share this dream, but I know I dreamt it for the purpose of dealing with the emotional damage that I've been neglecting to face...semi by choice, semi by force of having to mask it while in the company of others.
In dream he targeted both of my sisters at the same time... This actually triggered the emotional anger response that I have been lacking for myself. I grabbed the phone from my youngest and exclaimed at him "what the fuck do you think you are doing?!!" - I threatened to out him if he ever contacted either of my sisters again. He was cold and unsympathetic, zero care.... I remember saying something along the lines of ... If I have to be nasty I will... it's a behavior so so SO out of my nature, but when it comes to protecting my family there is no end. I don't want my sisters to know this type of hurt.
Jenn was upset...she didn't want to let go, fuck if I didn't know that feeling... but then I thought to myself.. what about your boyfriend?, and to my other sister... what about your husband? A similar question I thought about the other party involved...
I really don't get people... really, I don't....why would anyone do this?
The reality of it all slit the throat of my remaining self-worth... choking and bleeding with my hands gripped tightly around my neck in an effort to survive. I'm just barely keeping my head above water lately.
Clearly I'm still emotionally overwhelmed by the whole ordeal.... Everyone was in the wrong here...especially me... I just want it to stop... but the reality of it all is there is still a part of me that wants it all back... the way I thought it was... that, I think, is what upsets me the most at this stage.... I deserve better than that...but the part that knows it, is too frail to convince the rest of me just yet.
In dream he targeted both of my sisters at the same time... This actually triggered the emotional anger response that I have been lacking for myself. I grabbed the phone from my youngest and exclaimed at him "what the fuck do you think you are doing?!!" - I threatened to out him if he ever contacted either of my sisters again. He was cold and unsympathetic, zero care.... I remember saying something along the lines of ... If I have to be nasty I will... it's a behavior so so SO out of my nature, but when it comes to protecting my family there is no end. I don't want my sisters to know this type of hurt.
Jenn was upset...she didn't want to let go, fuck if I didn't know that feeling... but then I thought to myself.. what about your boyfriend?, and to my other sister... what about your husband? A similar question I thought about the other party involved...
I really don't get people... really, I don't....why would anyone do this?
The reality of it all slit the throat of my remaining self-worth... choking and bleeding with my hands gripped tightly around my neck in an effort to survive. I'm just barely keeping my head above water lately.
Clearly I'm still emotionally overwhelmed by the whole ordeal.... Everyone was in the wrong here...especially me... I just want it to stop... but the reality of it all is there is still a part of me that wants it all back... the way I thought it was... that, I think, is what upsets me the most at this stage.... I deserve better than that...but the part that knows it, is too frail to convince the rest of me just yet.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Forget the Luggage
Can't remember much but it was all about travelling and forgetting my suitcase...whether it was to pack it..or to retrieve it from the car once I got to the airport and through security. - forgetfulness... so what am I really forgetting in waking life?
Monday, October 1, 2012
Roadtrips, Cookies and Bleach
Road trip with Ian - and we ordered food at one place...was going to leave to another since he or I, can't remember, wanted something different...but we got stuck in the parkinglot - someone had rummaged through my suitcase and put on one of the zentai suits I had in there... another whom sat next to the now mess on the bench, complained why anyone would have their luggage there... I explained I was travelling and asked the young man in the zentai suit to give it back and I frantically repacked my belongings... Ian had fallen asleep in the car... and it was nearly midnight before I went back to check on our food order... they were closed... I had the impression that this had happened multiple times before.
----
Scott was making cookies for a cookie and milk get-together...except he couldn't stop consuming what he laid out. By the time people were to arrive he was out of milk and out of baked cookies. He filled bucket with bleach and laid out oreos... I was locked in a room with only a small window to witness what he was doing. People came and consumed and didn't notice.
----
Scott was making cookies for a cookie and milk get-together...except he couldn't stop consuming what he laid out. By the time people were to arrive he was out of milk and out of baked cookies. He filled bucket with bleach and laid out oreos... I was locked in a room with only a small window to witness what he was doing. People came and consumed and didn't notice.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)