Untrustworthy Dreams

untrusting dreams - I didn't trust myself, I didn't trust the situation....but the state of another put that all aside.

Saving Ian - Post Suicide Dream

My day has been rough....I just had 2nd panic attack in a 12 hour period....it's been a long time since I've had them this bad...and not sure what's triggering the high anxiety...last night it tore me from sleep...and it took almost 2 hours to get back to sleep....when I did....bad dream that has had me in a funk all day....I had a dream that I went back to my first hill apt in seattle....and found evidence that Ian's death may not have been a suicide (which is weird cause he passed in Las Vegas)...but instead a drug related murder (when I first got the news they didn't know it was self inflicted or if someone shot him)....so I took his death cert to have his body exhumed for autopsy (again weird cause he was cremated)...and while he was in the morgue...he actually came back to life....it was like he was drugged to be thought to be dead...but wasn't and it had worn off....I remember saying in dream to one of the medical staff that it was good timing for me to have requested it otherwise he wouldn't have survived....it was him...but it wasn't him....he was affected...but mattered not...he was alive....when I woke up it felt as if I had been crying in my sleep....and then I had to face the reality all over again...completely broke down in the shower...and mood has been cloudy...had to apologize to mom this morning cause I was really short with her.....but been able to mostly shake it off now...